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When I was growing up, I was presented with only one relationship option. It was boy meets girl, they get happily married, have around 2 or 3 kids, and live happily ever after. Of course both the boy and the girl were expected to remain virgins till the wedding night. I personally had several problems with this relationship model.
First was a matter of timing. When I first started dating, I would meet someone, fall in love and agree to go steady. Then later, I might meet another person who I felt attracted to. What was I to do? How could I tell which person would be the right girlfriend, if either of them? I reasoned that if I met another person to whom I felt a stronger attraction, perhaps in the future I might meet someone who is even better for me. The problem was in timing. I had met the second person too late.
The second problem I had with this model was how to determine sexual compatibility with another person when one has not had sex with them. I was being asked to make a life-long decision based on feelings and attractions only. It is true that we could talk about relationship issues, but I didn't feel that this was enough information to make a life-long commitment.
A third problem I have with this model is that I have a need for many different forms of sexual expression. I enjoy BDSM, intercourse, anal sex, oral sex, physical sex without a relationship on other levels, spiritual sex, and many other forms of sexual experssion. I have never found one single individual who would be sexually compatable on all these levels.
Another problem I have with this model is that I am bisexual, attracted to both females and males. I do not believe in cheating nor in going behind my partner's back. Having a relationship with only a female or only a male was not an option for me, although there are many bisexuals who are happy with practicing serial monogamy (see definition below). This relationship model did not take me, my gender, and my sexual orientation into account. Then I realized that whoever came up with this model was probably long dead, since this model has been around for a long time.
The final problem that I had to struggle with is that I am intersex, both female and male and neither female nor male. I am of the third gender. Doctors performed sexual reassignment surgery shortly after I was born to make me look like a male, but the truth is that I am not male. So, I do not even fit the equation of "boy meets girl."
There is also a moral obligation. If I meet a woman or a man and do not inform them of my true gender, then they get a package that looks like a male, but is not. The illusion that the doctors created in my body is not enough to change my real gender. Gender is deeper than body parts. I do not have the right hormonal balance to be a male. I believe that whatever makes up gender, it is of the body, mind, and spirit. My mind, emotional makeup, and spirit are still third gender and will always be. That is the gender that I was born to be.
We live in a culture that promotes monogamy as the one acceptable type of relationship model. To be precise, monogamy is the ideal objective, but what is actually practiced by the majority of people in our society is serial monogamy. While monogamy and serial monogamy are relationship models that have many benefits, these two relationship models do not work for everyone.
Fortunately, there are many other relationship models that are practiced successfully by many people throughout the world. One of the functions of Aphrodite's Temple is to provide education about human sexuality and about human relationships. The purpose of presenting these relationship models is to provide information so that individuals can make informed choices about lifestyle decisions. There are many pitfalls that can be avoided with honest communication between partners in any relationship model.
Since this model was not for me, I started searching for other relationship options and models. Listed below are some of the basic models that I have found. These are not an exhaustive list, but should provide some viable options to choose from.
A relationship between two individuals where each individual in the relationship is a virgin when they start the relationship and maintain sexual fidelity throughout the relationship. This is a committed relationship with the commitment lasting a lifetime.
A relationship between two individuals who choose to maintain sexual fidelity throughout the relationship. Once one serial monogamous relationship ends, another may begin. One of these serial relationships may end up lasting a lifetime, but does not necessarily need to. One or both partners may not necessarily be a virgin when the relationship begins.
A relationship between three or more individuals who choose to maintain sexual fidelity with each individual in the relationship. This can be a long-term or short-term relationship.
A relationship between two or more individuals where one or more in the primary relationship choose to have sexual relationships outside of the primary partnership under certain restrictions that restrict who they may be involved with. For instance, restrictions may include obtaining permission from all partners before engaging with an outside new partner, only having sex with new outside partners who are of the same gender, or only having sex with new outside partners without an emotional attachment. These are only a few examples of restrictions that are put in practice within Polyamorous Relationships with Restrictions. This can be a long-term or a short-term relationship.
A relationship between two or more individuals where one or more in the primary relationship choose to have sexual relationships outside the primary partnership without any restrictions on who they may get involved with. Most require that safe sex practices be used. This can be a long-term or short-term relationship.
A relationship that is based purely on sex without becoming emotionally bonded and without attachment. This can be a long-term or short-term relationship.
A sexual encounter between two or more individuals who do not know one another. These are usually one-time encounters, and sex is the primary focus.
A sexual relationship between a sacred sex practitioner and one or more partners. The primary focus of the relationship is spiritual in nature and often involves healing on a psychosexual level. This can be a long-term or short-term relationship.
Although some people do not practice safe sex, I encourage everyone to practice safe sex, no matter what style of relationship you choose. Even in "monogamous" relationships, people sometimes cheat. Cheating behaviors often do not include practicing safe sex and this increases the risk for their partner. Since there are many STD's that are treatable but not curable, it is highly recommended that everyone practice safe sex.
For me, I am involved in a polyamorous relationship. I have a primary partner that I live with and have many outside relationships. I see sex as a way to expand a friendship with some of my friends. For some friends, we keep the relationship platonic.
I am against the concept that monogamy is the only option that all people have. If monogamy works for a person, I am all for it. I seek kindred spirits for lovers. I don't seek a lover who is in a monogamous relationship with another person. I respect the boundaries others choose for their life style choice. But I also ask that others respect my boundaries and my life style choice.
It is my hope that this information provides more options for informed decision making. I also hope that as more people learn about relationship options, there will be more acceptance of different relationship options within our society. I find it interesting that I live in the land of freedom as long as I choose the right option. If I choose something that is not mainstream, then freedom goes out the window. Is not freedom about having different options where each option counts as a legitimate choice?
These models are based on information that I obtained during many bisexual conferences that I have attended over the last 14 years. I wish to give special thanks to all the presenters who provided information about alternative relationship models, many of whom are pioneers in the area of living in alternative relationships.
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